Monday, July 7, 2008

Pool Etiquette

[In the unlikely event that any of you have a Hebrew blog, would you please translate this so that this can be disseminated among the Hebrew-speaking-only population. Because I honestly don't think they know this.]

These are the basic tenets:

1. Lap Lanes: thus named, because they are reserved for, well, people doing LAPS.

["Doing laps" means that the swimmer will be swimming back and forth across the length of the pool. He or she will do this 5, 10, 50 or 200 times. The swimmer may use a variety of strokes or may just do one stroke. But he or she will go back-and-forth, back-and-forth until said swimmer decides it is enough and stops. Of course it's dull, what did you think exercise was, a walk in the park?]

2. The LAP LANES ARE RESERVED FOR PEOPLE DOING LAPS. [Oh, did I already say that?] It is not reserved for people wanting to stand against the wall. Like the lady today standing by the far wall, so I had to move slightly from the right to the left where the swimmer in the other lane kicked me so hard she would have broken a rib had I not been so well padded. Or the man who stands at the far end of the lane with his white belly protruding so far out that every time I get to the end of the lane I have an irresistible urge to poke my finger in his fleshy dough-like belly, just like that Pillsbury Doughboy Commercial.

GET OUT OF THE LANES, PEOPLE. There is plenty of other pool wall space for you to hang around in. Or better yet, visit the cafe.

3. When you are doing laps you always stay to the right, and in this way you go round and round, always staying to the right. This avoids crashes and more rib-kicks.

4. I don't mind sharing the lanes with kids, but they have to be swimming, not playing Marco Polo. If you're a parent who frequents a pool, can you remind the kids that the LAP LANES ARE RESERVED FOR THE PEOPLE DOING LAPS. If you don't know what "doing laps" means, see #1.

Feel free to post this notice at all public and private pools, and to translate to Hebrew, Russian, Spanish, French, Arabic etc. I promise not to sue for plagiarism.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programing.

Haveil Havalim #172 is up at Daled Amos. You can read it even if you're young.


Anonymous said...

LOL!! Great post!!!!! As you well remember from our days at the North Woodmere pool (it's just not the same without you) it is not much different here. The pool has only been opened a week and i have already been kicked by a kid and elbowed one out of my way. The lady in the white bathing cap is back, walking in the swimming lane and still yelling at the little kids even if they are doing laps. And the lady who stands in the corner of the walking lane in the "camp hillel" shirt is back without the shirt as she has retired.
You just have to scope out the lanes before going in and hope to do your laps without getting trampled, or having your kids interrupt every 5 minutes to ask how many more laps you have left.
happy swimming!

Emah S said...

Isn't there a lifeguard at your pool? Where we go, the lifeguard is always telling the kids to get out of the laplane! So I can imagine if there isn't a good one to do the job that it can be frustrating. good luck!

Benji Lovitt said...

The "stay to the right" goes for escalators too. Some people just don't get it (sigh).

Baila said...


I will love NWP forever, no matter the price.

Emah S.,

There are a number [quite hunky, I might add] of lifeguards at the pool, but no they don't yell at infiltrators in the lap lanes.


Will they ever????

Leora said...

Sigh. At least you have a pool. Our local pool closed, due to local mis-management and local politics. We just came back from my inlaws, who have a pool, but they live 45 minutes away.